hey 
well despite the fact that the weather is simply gorgeous here today, i am down and out! i had a long day yesterday driving and visiting a friend…5 hours total driving and a 5 hour visit. and it was stinkin hot here (AND there), and boy i tell ya, i just dont do well in heat and humidity these days. it zaps the heck out of me and makes me grouchy! i hate it! i feel like sucha wuss *LOL*
(before i go on, yes, i am admitting i am having a sucky day! i hate doing that, cause i dont want to drag anyone down with me…but, hey, im human, and this is my journey. and who knows, maybe your day isnt as bad as mine and reading this will actually cheer you up and make you glad for your not-so-bad day!! LOL!)
i slept pretty well, and i woke up early because i wanted to try a pilates class before yoga. last week, some of the ladies in yoga class convinced me to try the pilates because they do it, too. i was like dang, 2 hours of exercise!! *LOL* i am JUST now getting to the point where yoga doesnt totally kick my butt, but they said, “oh just try it! we have such a good time, and we talk and cut it up quite a bit!” which is much diff than the yoga class, where we are pretty quiet and serious (with the few occasional outbursts of laughter or jokes about a pose hehe).
so anyhoo, even tho when i woke up this morning i was pretty tired, i showered up and headed out to be at pilates at 7am.
on the way there, i ate half an apple, some almonds, and a little raw milk cheese. i figured that would give me a little energy to get thru it all. normally i dont eat before yoga, maybe just have some green tea and im just fine.
well, i got to class and got all set up with a mat, stability ball, little ball, stretchy band and the stretchies with handles. i’ve done a little pilates with a video before, so most of what we did today wasnt very new to me, but it definitely was hard! my whole body just felt so wimped out. i didnt have any endurance whatsoever. it made me feel very frustrated inside and i suddenly didnt want to be there. i just wanted to run out to the car and cry!
but see, this is the thing–ever since my endometriosis has presented itself, i get like that, all emotional and stuff and inside i just feel so out of control. im pretty sure it is all hormonal because i really had no reason to be so upset! and all the ladies in the class were chitchatting loudly during the whole hour, blahblahblah and it was annoying me *LOL* (can we say grumpybutt??)
deepdeep down i really wanted to try and focus on the breathing and motions, but i just couldnt. and all i could think of is after that i had another hour of “torture” in yoga…
i know i could have just skipped out of yoga, but usually it really lifts my spirits and helps me focus. so i forced myself to go. i set up my mat and got my blocks and towels. they keep the room dimly lit so its usually very relaxing.
but instead today, it was crazy! one of the old guys (whom i actually really do like) brought in some chocolate cake!! :-O
he won it from a special little bakery in town and it was super fancy. i wasnt going to have any, but then something in my irrational brain clicked and told me it would make me feel better. you’d think most of us would have waited until afterward, but everyone was so excited about chocolate that we all had a small sliver BEFORE class. eep!!
well it made me feel better for the 1 minute it took me to eat it, but after that i suddenly felt like crying!! (i cant help but think of Tom Hanks’ line in A League of Their Own…”…CRYING? there’s no crying in baseball!!” 
its just the typical tom hanks intense holler, soooo funny…)
then i KNEW it was hormones. i mean, i just ate chocolate cake, i shouldnt want to cry! HAHAH!!
so pathetically, the whole next hour was well, pathetic. i really didnt do any of the poses fully except for triangle pose and pigeon. i couldnt even hold my arms up for very long in warrior and yoga chair. UGH!! and all the while i was getting madder at myself and every time i went to down dog i cried. isnt this just crazy!?! after class usually i stick around and blab but today i just got out of there. as soon as i got in the car i cried again and cried half the way home.
now im sitting here venting to you, you poor people, reading my sob story! haha!!
i just ate a very unhealthy dose of transfats from our good buddy mcd’s. every fiber of my being tells me i need to QUIT eating that trash and just force good food down my gullet, even when im all hormonal and emotional.
but today, this morning, i just couldnt. i need someone to tell me its okay to screw up and feel crappy some days. i need someone to tell me im doing a great job on the days when i really do. and i also need someone to kick me in the butt when im just being plain lazy.
yes, sad to say as an adult, i really do need the “strokes” from someone else to baby me and encourage me once in a while. and that’s hard for me to admit!
but i am just not finding the strength within myself lately, and its wearing me down. and most of all, i need to tell MYSELF that i am worth the extra effort, and that a year…5…10 years from now, it will all have mattered, the good days and the bad, and i will be wiser and healthier for it all. sometimes its hard to imagine the end goal, or even the half-way point of that goal.
so, now that i’ve vented i feel a little better, but i still feel like i wanna just curl up in a ball and cry for a while. maybe i will. then maybe i’ll go outside and play with my dog or something…or go for a walk and breathe in some fresh air. who knows!
but, i do know that someday (soon hopefully) these mood swings and hormonal imbalances will be less and less, as i lose weight and eat more healthfully more often. that’s what i believe, truly, and i know it will happen. im right, right? please tell me there IS a light in the MIDDLE of the tunnel!!
sometimes the journey is SO HARD and some days you just feel like nothing will ever change. i know i sound like a sad sack, and dangit, today i am. LOL!
i wont give up tho!!! i will try to pull myself together today!!
~josey~
i love learning more about these things and helping others do the same!
