happy hump day! hehe 
back at the end of december, after watching my first season ever of The Biggest Loser, i was very moved.
i wrote a post called reality tv and weight loss. i urge you to read it if you havent! it will help you see where i’m comin from in my blabblings of this post 
this season’s run of TBL: Couples has sparred a lot of commentary across the blogosphere. from annoyed fans complaining about the cheesey product endorsements to vehement put-downs about certain contestants, to frustrating and unfair excessive twists and turns in the game—there’s been a little bit of everything said about this season.
***WARNING!! POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!!!***
after last night’s episode, we’re down to the final 4. two men and two women, and btw, a woman has never won TBL. i’m definitely routing for one of the women to win! =D
okay so…to get to my point of this post even tho this was only my second season watching, it seemed to me in particular many of the contestants had break-throughs as far as life-defining and changing moments. for me personally, THAT is what attracts me to this show.
all the drama between contestants, or the oh-so-exciting ways to utilize Extra Sugar-Free Gum or the drill-sergeantry coming from the trainers isnt what makes me glued to the toob here. hehe.
since 2008 has started, i myself have had a few life-defining moments with my health and weight loss. and altho many people have complained about Mark (one of the contestants) and all his crying and blubbering—i have to cut the poor guy some slack because this year has also been the same for me!
sure, there were points where i was just like, GEEZZZ dude, calm down!!! especially when he and his brother, Jay, were separated a few times by eliminations. his emotions ran so high and it was apparent he was just bubbling over with issues he’s stuffed down for a long time. and obviously, he didnt cry constantly—it just appeared that way thanks to the editing team!
i cant imagine what it would be like to go through a drastic physical change like that in such a short amount of time. people who are overweight harbor so many issues that are attached to every freakin single pound they’ve packed on. i know this—i am one of them. sometimes it takes months, even years, for us to figure out there’s a reason why those pounds are there, and it’s not just because we overeat or are lazy!
for every bite of food and drink of pop or alcohol we take that we physically dont need (and mentally we are reliant on that moment of pleasure)…and every joke we cackle about regarding how fat and jolly we are…there’s a stab of pain in our hearts and souls that’s a disappointment to who we’ve become…and a disillusionment to who we REALLY are.
over the years i’ve made buku excuses for so long to not take better care of myself. it was so much easier to float through life, getting heavier and heavier, and having my family and friends see me as a woman who’s had a hard time and “you have to feel sorry for her. she’s had it rough.”
yes, poor me. POOR ME THAT i never mustered the strength to overcome it! where have i been??!?
i’ve sat around dooming myself to the same physical ailments and diseases that have slowly killed my family members or have taken away their quality of life. i’ve sat around LITERALLY MINUTE-TO-MINUTE worrying about these things—all the while i’ve been statistically healthy, just overweight—and in the process of all that worrying i’ve developed panic attacks, nutritional deficiencies, a liver packed full of toxins from all my fast food fixes and nearly a whole other person’s worth of weight (and mental burden) attached to my short little body.
somehow doing all that to myself was easier than finding the time to exercise, putting to good use all my knowledge of nutrition and food, and practicing what i preach…
…or was it?
fortunately in the last year i’ve been inspired by countless people, events, books, tv shows and lifted up by my daily prayers.
and in the last few months i’ve felt a shift—in my health, for the better, and emotionally. it’s beenalongtimecomin, i tell ya!! and it’s been the most challenging hill i’ve climbed in my life…and im still trekkin along…
after finishing my 10-day spring cleanse yesterday, i’ve come to a realization that i’m not the weakling i’ve pegged myself. no, im not supergirl but i have determination. i have perseverance. i have strength that God gives me freely and i have a goal and purpose i want to share with others.
as people lose weight, different things happen. some of them find a self-confidence and pride theyve been lacking—like Kelly. some of them find that just simply learning how to eat to live and not live to eat has helped them the most—like Roger. others find they have more inner strength than they ever imagined, and it results in a beautiful outer strength,too—like Ali. and lastly, some have a total transformation inside AND out, and suddenly all the numbness dissipates and the flood-gates open—like Mark.
i’d have to say i identify most closely with Mark. until recently i never knew i stuffed so much emotional crap down and hid it with my weight. in fact, i honestly had NO CLUE. i would always say, “i just have bad habits. fast food tastes good so i eat it instead. there’s nothing emotionally bothering me. i’m just a little defeated because i cant be consistent. my ankles hurt and i feel tired if i try to exercise.” blahblahblah…
but now suddenly something changed in me. sometimes when i’m working out, if i push myself extra hard—i feel my heart beating in my ears and pounding in my chest, i taste the sweat on my lips and feel my legs burn—I CRY. yes, I CRY!! it’s an overwhelming sense of pride in myself, but now i believe it is also literally a purging of a stuffed-down INCORRECT opinion ive had of my own character and will.
sometimes i’ll be talking to hubby about some of my mini-goals and how i’ve done a good job that day. then i’ll just start crying! i feel like such a doof ball, but i cant help it! (like that one time in yoga class…) inside my head i’ve told myself so many times “you can’t do it. just forget it!” so now, when i reach a small goal, it’s like the most comforting HUG…an affirmation that i’m NOT a loser. that with a little extra effort—even for a few days—wonderful things can happen!
and NO, that ISNT cheesey…it’s true…when you have become so deflated, so consumed by your own misery, even one little teenyweeny victory is something to celebrate. it could just be that spark that fires you up!
i am also finding myself thinking twice when i suddenly want junk food. no, i wont always make the right choice. but if i become PRESENT in that moment and stop myself from blindly eating, i can connect an emotional reason to that food choice. and many times, that food is merely a sedative to something i’m not dealing with.
oh, isnt it so sad that simply fueling our bodies has become so laden in complication??!? i want to change. i WILL!!
i want people to know that even if you WANT to lose 15lb or if you NEED to lose 300lb, it doesnt matter. it all starts in the same place—your heart. KNOW WHO YOU ARE. dont be afraid to let changes happen in your life—you HAVE to be a little vulnerable and get out of your comfort zone. you HAVE to take a chance!! get yourself up!! stop feeling sorry for yourself. is this who you really are?
STOP MAKING EXCUSES. nothing will change until YOU DO SOMETHING! if you’re unhappy, do something that makes you happy. it’s as simple as that—it doesnt have to be this golden moment and light from heaven! start with every day things…THINK ABOUT IT, use your intelligence! it’s common sense. we’ve been so numbed that we forget how to even think. your happiness level may not rise as quickly as you’d prefer, but the more you try, the more momentum you’ll build.
and before you know it, you’ll feel the flood-gates open and slowly you will become unburdened by all those poor choices you made in the past. you’ll actually realize it’s all happened for a reason. and altho you’ll stumble and fall on the way, you’ll finally be living your life instead of sitting there, eating, doing nothing, being miserable inside, being uncertain of your future and watching the here and now all slip by for nothing.
LIVING YOUR LIFE. moving, breathing, smiling, laughing, crying, praying, thanking.
it’s worth it. we deserve to be happy and healthy and no one is responsible for yourself but YOU.
~josey~
[ if you got this far reading, THANK YOU for sticking with my novel of a brain-dump!! (((hugs!!))) ]
