secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

monday morning affirmation February 4, 2008

good morning

my sweet MIL (yes, she’s a sweetheart!) got me a simple, cute morning devotional book for christmas.  i havent been as faithful in reading them as i should be; but i’ve resolved to put it on my nightstand instead of leaving it on my desk.  that way, as soon as i wake i can read it.  it only takes a few minutes, and then i will remember to pray, also!

i just had to share this morning’s with you.  i woke up feeling horribly lousy.  (more on that in my health journal sometime today!)  if you read my post earlier yesterday, you know i’m feeling a bit down and out and a bit exhausted from life and the things its been throwing my way lately!

so read on, and i hope it encourages you, too, in anything you’re struggling with—or just to get you thru the monday morning! (especially the morning after the superbowl!)

from Starting Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer 

February 4th

Be Secure 

I love you fervently and devotedly, O Lord, my Strength.  The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I will trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower.  PSALM 18:1-2

God can strengthen us to the point that we can make progress even during trouble.  The psalmist said of God, “He makes my feet like hind’s feet [able to stand firmly or make progress on the dangerous heights of testing and trouble]…You have girded me with strength for the battle” (Psalm 18:33, 39 emphasis mine).

Trials and testing do not come to causes us to lose stability.  They are opportunities to prove the strength of God.  We don’t have to waver in our confidence.  Nothing will keep us from making progress today because God is our strength.

 

Crossville, TN this was a beautiful reminder for me, because through my trials i most often tell myself that, “a year from now, i’ll be stronger for all this!” or something to that effect.  in the midst of all my coping, i often times forget to bring God into the equation.  does this sound familiar in your life, too?

sure, when our darkest days come we finally, weakly might reach out and say, “God, help me!!” but do we recognize him and talk to him on a daily basis, no matter how we are feeling?  i know i dont.  i know i should.

i need to stop wallowing in my own self-pity and let God do his thang!   it’s only by his blessing and strength that i’ve gotten as far as i have in my healing of endometriosis and all this shedding of layers of emotional burden.  he’s been working in the background the whole time…while i give myself credit for doing this or that to help myself along. 

times like these are the best opportunities to “prove the strength of God.”  its the perfect chance to show other people how his love and power can affect a life and be a positive force in healing, change and gratefulness.  and its the perfect chance for me to grow closer to him and trust him more.  

today i will be secure in the fact that my God is in control and i will trust him to comfort me, care for me, and ground me firmly so that i will have the strength to get through the day…and MAKE PROGRESS at the same time!

~josey~
 

witchypoo goes to kalamazoo** January 2, 2008

hey!!

my buddy witchypoo over at psychicgeek is having a contest.  have you ever wanted to get a REAL psychic reading for free?  well, now’s your chance!

——>  CLICK HERE  <—— 

LOL i feel like one of those cheesey local car dealer commercial announcers…hahahha! 

okay first, now dont go thinkin im a total lunatic.  i’m not , nor do i go around visiting madame-gypsy-crystalball-readers or calling those phony 900 numbers.  in fact, i’ve never done anything like that. 

i’ve never really even had a solid opinion about psychics.  probably because deep down i think, “well, you never really know…”  knowutimean?  i happen to enjoy the occasional show with John Edward and the like.  i’ve always been intrigued by the “supernatural…”  UFOs, ESP, big foot (which i used to accidentally call “saskatchewans,” LOL!!), ghosts, psychics…or even anything mysterious—i used to be a HUGE unsolved mysteries fan! HA!

but recently in my own quest for better health, i HAVE become more aware that there’s more to our world than meets the eye.  things that kinda seem mystical and magical; but i believe that’s just the way God made us.  ive become a bit more open-minded to things that some folks—because of one reason or another—think might be a bit of hogwash! hehe!

so why would i want a reading from witchypoo?  well first, because witchypoo’s notta witch.  she’s just funny like that and uses the nickname to taunt and get people all in a huff who think she’s working for Satan or something.  if she was a real evil witch, i’d definitely steer clear of her! <|;^D   <—- *cackle cackle*

second, why not?  it’s free! LOL!!! (yep, im a cheapo.)  and since stuff like that intrigues me anyhoo, this could be a chance to experience something amazing and revealing!  and if anything, it will be a chance for me to personally harass witchyp while she’s paying for it. HAHAH!

third…let’s just assume her gifts are God-given (which by the way, she does believe.).  she uses them for many a good purpose—not just personal readings.  what if she can help me understand myself better in a way no one else could?  (except for God of course!)  why would talking to her be any different than chatting with a good friend for advice?

i know, i sound like i’m worried about being chastised.  well, in a little way i am.  i’m not ashamed to be interested in things supernatural; i’ve had psychicgeek on my blogroll for some time now.  but its always a little nerve-wracking to admit you want a psychic reading when so many people have a skewered opinion about its validity and where it fits into belief in God!   see where i’m comin from?

but i have to tell you a little secret—i’ve been praying a lot lately for God to continue to bring me opportunities for peace and understanding about my health issues.  it’s actually a really big deal for me.  so if this is a burning bush, i dont want to just walk on by!  God can present opportunities ANYwhere—yes, even thru a silly contest on a blog!

there are some people out there, just like in every service career field, who are just out there to make a buck or are scammers.  who skim by on what little skills and talent they have (if they do).  then there are some who truly have a gift, and use it wisely to truly benefit others.  i have a gut feeling witchypoo is one of those kindsa peeps =)  (and NO, she’s not paying me to say that. LOLOL.)

so…i’m hoping if i win the contest i will find the reading a very healing (foremost), comforting and confirming experience.  i’m not into the “tell me my fortune…” kinda thing.  i dont think her reading will be the end-all answer to my issues; but instead COULD be part of my journey of learning in life, and being more in tune with myself.  i truly believe that some people have the ability to sense and understand things many of us cannot.

and if i dont win—i hope its one of you!!  now go over and read up and sign up! 

so well anyhoo, that’s my story and i’m stickin to it! LOL!    

~josey~

**as far as i know, she’s not going to kalamazoo.  she’s a homebody and lives in canada, so i doubt if she would want to go to michigan anyhoo! LOL!  or…maybe i’m psychic and someone from kalamazoo will win…and she’ll go to them for the personal reading…*rambles on and on…and on…*   

p.s. a few more side comments…i suppose i wouldnt have needed to ramble on quite so much about this whole thing.  but, 2007 softened me a little bit and opened my eyes to be more receptive to things ive always been “afraid to admit” i “believe” in.  i suppose the rambling is my way of stepping out of my comfy box a little bit…and who knows, maybe i’ll yack more about it soon.  we shall see! 

the evolution of (me and) my blog December 14, 2007

hey, folks!

back at the beginning of december, tish over at the kat house did this really cool meme that chronicled the “evolution” of her blog by choosing 5 of her landmark archived posts.

i commented on her post, but being the doober i am, i wasnt paying attention and put my comment on the wrong post. LOL!!

but, being the nice gal she is, she replied back anyhoo and suggested i do the meme when i gotta chance!  well, now i have the chance…so, here goes! (oh and btw, they arent in perfect chronological order, but i think you’ll still get the point! LOL.)

i started blogging in december 2005 on Yahoo 360.  blogging, for me, was (is!) basically a replacement for a hand-written journal.  i’ve been on a quest to lose weight and get healthy for ohhh about 7 years now…so it was obvious that would be the thing i’d yap about most.  my very first blog post EVER was a great start to the end of the year!. 

that was basically my introduction.  and i’m not gonna count it toward the 5 posts im supposed to feature in this meme. HEHE!   even to this day, i dont think i could ever change a word of it and say it any better!

having my blog on the big Y kinda kept me sheltered from the REAL blogosphere (at least in my opinion)—i wasnt aware of all the commenting, the memes, and all the fun stuff that really gets your name out there.  i just wrote when i felt like it and “closed the book” and hid it back in my drawer when i was done. hehe!

i really didnt start semi-seriously blogging again until january of 2007!

i’m guessing most of my readers dont really know that im completely and totally obsessed-submersed-bookwormed into learning about and applying holistic nutrition and health stuff into my life. 

the reason why i’ve dove in head first into this stuff is because in march of this year (2007), after a diagnostic laparoscopy, i found out i have endometriosis. <—-btw, that’s my fave endometriosis site. hands down.

in fact, IRL, healing my endo (aka endometriosis) through proper nutrition is what i talk about, think about and read about a lot.  i mean LOTS a lot.   . o O (hmmm, probably why i dont have any good friends. LOL.)  especially because i believe the things i’ve learned can be applied in a myriad of ways to everyone. (yep, even men!)

i wrote time to heal the week after my laparoscopy.  i dont think i really revealed how scared i was about having endo and how big of a step it was to take a greater responsibility in my own healing by not choosing the typical path of treatment through my doctor.  but, there was just something in my gut that said—YOU have to do this.  you CAN do this.  your body WANTS to heal; you just have to give it what it needs.

the gears in my brain started churning and i knew my diet was due for an overhaul at this point.  i then found and read a book called Endometriosis: A Key to Healing through Nutrition.  this got me thinking quite a bit about what i eat and how it effects my body on a cellular level. *totally nerdy pose*

at this point, i couldnt get enough info—i was (and AM!) a total sponge!  i just kept reading and reading…about food…our bodies…about amazing things i’d never thought about before. 

after reading books like Real Food: What to Eat and Why and Nourishing Traditions i felt moved to write pass me the olden days, please…probably the most telling post i’ve written thus far about how i feel about nutrition, health and the industrialization of our world. 

then i revealed a little more, embarrassingly, in crying over chocolate cake.  this was a time, in the midst of coping with the drastic hormonal shifts, i asked myself “am i doing the right thing?” and “how much more of this can i handle?”… in addition with grappling with the fact that i may never have biological children of my own, which especially bothers me on those most hormonal days.   this post was a recount of one of many times i’d have days like this—days where i swore i was losing it.   days when it didnt seem fair that i had to have this disease and i let it get the best of me.

this year i’ve had a lot of doubts, but also a lot of revelations.  what’s the real reason is my reassessment of why and how i’ve come to be where i am this year…in my health, my emotions, my goals.  it felt good to admit all my grossly gluttonous habits…most of which i am thankfully tackling full-force   it also feels good to look at my life by taking a step back…and truly realize where i’ve screwed up, then use that knowledge to turn it into something positive!

and finally, something that’s become quite apparent to me after all the physical and emotional pain, desperate pleadings to God, confusion and feeling alone…after all the things ive read and studied to educate myself so i can take responsibilty for my health, THIS is what it all boils down to for me:  nutrition + emotions = health. (and tho i failed to mention it—for me, spirituality is the foundation of that equation!!  that post would have been pages and pages longer had i included that aspect.  i venture to guess one of these days it will all come out. )

maybe most of the stuff in that last post seems a little new-agey, or far-fetched or like im getting scammed over.  but until you go through a time in your life when nothing else makes sense…when something comes along that clicks in your gut and you just know…then, well, you know…you JUST KNOW you have stumbled upon something that can—AND WILL—change your life.

and if you share it, it might change someone else’s, too. 

and this, my friends, is the evolution…of me. (through my blog.)

i’m very, very grateful you stopped by  

 

see ya, ebenezer! November 27, 2007

 

the last several years i’ve found myself really dreading the holidays, especially christmas. it’s all i can do to choke through thanksgiving knowing that "black friday" is looming. i’ve felt like a scrooge–dont wanna put up lights or the tree or any decorations, HATE shopping, sooo sick of christmas everything (including christmas music!) coming out wayyy before thanksgiving.  my goodness i dont even want to watch my fave old christmas cartoons–the grinch and rudolph!  :-O  i could go on and on!!

to be right up front–i’ve just gotten sick of the shallow commercialism. that’s it in a nutshell, but its way more complicated than that.

we all celebrate christmas for different reasons, in different ways. for some, its shopping and finding that perfect gift for a loved one that was a great bargain!! woot! feels good to save money and still get a special gift. for others, its traveling and seeing family or friends you only get to see once a year and having a christmas feast like no other. some people get really into all the decorating–stuff in the yard, multiple trees in the house, greenery and poinsettias in every room! and others call it the birthday of their Savior, Jesus.

there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those reasons. but when you yourself feel empty, like that spark of wonder, excitement and joy of the season is gone, then you begin to contemplate in your scrooged-up brain–what is the meaning of christmas to me?? what is the POINT?? do i really even care?

well at least that’s how i’m feeling.

every scrooge has a reason to NOT enjoy celebrating christmas–painful reminders of lost loved ones or sour relationships, the stress of all the hustle and bustle, dreading weight gain and stressing about our diets, not enough money to spend (or spending too much), overloaded at work, running the kids around for this and that, and just plain ole burn-out…blahblahblah. 

so, i’ve decided this year i will be a scrooge no more! with all the negativity i’ve drummed up for myself in 2007 surrounding my endometriosis, feeling physically terrible, being emotionally whacked out, and struggling with my weight i definitely need to end this year on a positive note.

plus, i miss the cheery, bubbly, silly-go-lucky old me. where’d she go?

now dont get me wrong, finding a reason to be cheery and festive–especially this year–is like pulling teeth for me! i just wanna be grumbly and hermity and get by doing the least possible. but truthfully, deep down, i WANT to be happy this christmas.  i’m not looking for a polly-anna holiday, but i secretly want to get lost in the warmfuzzy feelings of season.

but i want to do it for the right reasons. MY right reasons.

so i said to myself, "self, what are your RIGHT reasons for celebrating christmas?" and my self said:

1. to celebrate Jesus’ birth
2. to do something for those in need
3. to spend time with my family

okay, well that was easy. so why do i still feel like little miss crabby butt?

well first, its because i’m still not going to church. i’ve been lazy and picky and we just havent found one to stick with. now, i’ve said before that i dont believe going to church is gonna get me to heaven! i think its good to look at it as a maintenance thing–you know, like when you wake up in the morning and your bad breath reminds you to brush your teeth. LOL! kinda the same thing, ya know?

i miss being surrounded by stories of Jesus’ birth, the little kids singing Silent Night, the skits and the christmas eve services. since i am currently not a part of a church family, now i’m lacking in the spiritual meaningfulness department of the season.  (i’m sparing you pages and pages of writing about this spiritual stuff.  hehe.  for now.)

second, most of us focus on giving an overabundance of special, thoughtful gifts to our friends and family. while i DO enjoy giving, i DONT enjoy seeing my gift tossed in a pile and probably being forgotten by new years. and i hate the fact that i cant even remember who got me what last year–obviously i’m getting more gifts than i need or deserve! and what about the kids and their heaps of toys that have to be put away and rotated because they have so many?? i wont even go there…

when i was in college, each year our floor in the dorm gathered together and gave food, clothes, and toys through a local organization that supported families that were truly in need.  i will never forget the tingly feeling of pure joy that permeated my heart as we bought, wrapped and delivered the care packages.  ahhh, how i miss that feeling!!!  it made me cry to know those people knew they could never repay our kindness tangibly.  but i know they paid it forward in love and gratefulness, which to me is the stuff that changes the world.  simple human kindness.  

and lastly (but not leastly! LOL), time with my side of the family has just gotten stale.  its nothing they do wrong–its my expectations and selfish childishness that ruins it for me.  this is very hard for me to admit.  my family is not perfect (whose is? hehe).  we dont have the "all american" ideal holiday with special traditions, lavish gifts, cheesey smiles and turtle-neck sweaters.  not that that’s what i want!  but sometimes i long for more meaning than pigging out and wasting a lot of wrapping paper, ya know?

see, here’s my quintessential problem.  in my scroogy brain, i’m thinking about how this certain family member always says this, and that certain family member always expects that, and how we all need to do this, and why cant we just learn to do that…so, while all that’s going on on the inside, my outside is like "HUH?"  and there’s no connection to any good vibes that might be floating around.  i’m too busy building the wall!!  there’s no osmosis whatsoever. LOL.  just me, being there, thinking too much, eating loads to ease the frustration, walking around like a robot…

so i need to re-tie the ties that bind.  what would that take for me?  well, knowing we all get along–that’s a PLUS.  my family actually WANTS to see me, i am lucky!  okay well what about deeper stuff…the binding stuff…hmmmm…

my parents are proud of me even tho they dont say it and i need to hear it (because well that’s something im working on).  my sister loves me and looks up to me cause im her big sister (and we are stinkin funny together. LOL!).  my niece and nephew think i’m a cool aunt and enjoy spending time with me, and hopefully i am a good role model.

WHOA. WAIT.  why is this all of the sudden about me?  why is it necessary for ME to be stroked and put on a pedestal in order to enjoy time with my family??

GAH!  another revelation.  boy, this post is never gonna end teehee.  i’ll think on this and elaborate at a later time.

for now, hmmm well…i think ive helped myself understand what i need to do to de-scrooge.  in keeping with my love of list-making, before the end of the year, i’m going to:

1. start going to church and attend a christmas eve service
2. give my finances AND time to a local charity
3. SHOW my family WHY i love them so much, not just how much…this isnt about me.

so, maybe this list may seem a bit scanty and without deep thought, but its not.  ive gotta start somewhere, right?  i want to be happy and spread a positive, loving attitude this holiday…and i want it to last.   baby steps!

if you’re struggling with this, too, i encourage you to take a look inside yourself.  think about it–do you realllly wanna drown your pathetic sorrow in that miserable attitude?  its not that things will be perfect this year if you do–or next year, or the next.  maybe you need some time to heal.  or, maybe you just need to take some immediate action–like getting back into the REAL world, away from work and maybe even the virtual world.  i know this all too well. 

and dangit, if i’m gonna work on it someone else has to, too. hehe.   cause the world sure as heck doesnt need any more scrooges.  we can do a lot for this world by changing jussstttt a little.

spiritual meaningfulness.  human kindness.  the ties that bind. 

*happy relieved but-i-still-need-to-think-about-this sigh* 

~josey~   

 

his will is peace November 20, 2007

this last year i’ve struggled with so many doubts…doubts about my faith and what i believe, who i really am deep down inside, and why things in my life have happened the way they have.  and even what my purpose on this earth truly is.

i suppose we all have times like this in our lives.  but out of all the people in my world, i feel like im the only one spinning, doubting, confusing, questioning and that i make a big deal out of nothing a lot of the time.  people just live and accept things the way they are.   right now, i just cant do that.  i feel like a little kid with a million questions that no one wants to answer and i’m searching fruitlessly, naively, and afraid of misunderstanding.

today i was driving around running errands and i had some pain in my side.  its the same pain i’ve had off and on since my endometriosis presented itself in a real, physical way a little over a year ago.

at the same time i was having the pain today, i was thinking of a person who used to be my best friend.  i’ve known her since i was 4.  we grew up down the road from each other, hung out in high school, were college roommates, and even married brothers.  then, she chose to end our friendship when a divorce separated me and my husband.

(for now, i’m holding back the whole story…however, please do not let my brief and detailless depiction of her departure from my life persuade you to feel ill thoughts about her.) 

at having those thoughts, suddenly i felt this heavy cloak of grief over me, and the pain in my side pulsated.  i felt my heart racing and i felt nauseous.  i kept thinking of how i miss her, and how i miss so many of the people that used to be a part of my life, but that i had to leave behind.

then something in my head clicked–remember when i told you about my appointment at the holistic wellness center a few weeks back?  one of the emotions that was attached to my particular imbalances was grief and/or loss.  i didnt mention it in that post because at the time i didnt think it applied to me.

but today, it became very clear to me how real the connection is between emotions and our physiology…i mean, very very real…

only at that moment did i realize what grief and loss i have stuffed so far down…far far away from my heart, trying to pretend that it would just dissolve over time or that it didnt even exist at all.

instead it has grown heavier, and i can literally feel it.  right now. 

before you begin to think that i am unhappy with my life–please know that’s not true.  i’m blessed beyond belief, and i know everything i’ve gone through in my life was supposed to happen for me to experience the true joy and happiness i have today.  much of it doesnt seem fair sometimes, but underneath this nagging grief and loss is the most grateful heart. 

but i also need to let go of the past.  i have clung so tightly to the hope that maybe i’ll get my best friend back.  that one day she’ll call unexpectedly and we’ll cry and cry and then laugh and share old times.  and somehow we’ll be a part of each others’ lives again.  and i could see her two daughters and love them and hug and kiss them and listen to them giggle and play.

but God is telling me, right now–as i type this–that it’s time to move on.

no, God, please no…

that sometimes people are in our lives for a season, and when it is over we cannot disrupt His will…and when we do, we experience pain, loss and grief because of our lack of understanding. 

i hear you God; i am trying to obey.  but its so hard God, its so hard!!  why do i feel so lonely?  how come it has to hurt this badly?  and why would she be a part of my life for SO LONG for nothing?  i hope one day you can help me see your purpose.

i know i have been fighting giving it over to you for a very long time.  and it is clear to me right at this very moment that i never really believed you forgave me for my mistakes and i have clutched onto the hope that if we reconciled that you’d really forgive me.  i have been so lost.

please God, wipe away my tears and soothe this hole in my heart.  i am so tired of crying and hurting. 

 

letting her go is like hearing her say goodbye again. 

 

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

it is well, it is well with my soul.

amen. 

 

time to heal :) March 19, 2007

well happy monday!

its been nearly a week since i had my laparoscopy. im definitely still healing! the last 3 days have actually been more rough than the first few. it probably didnt help that late last week i felt REALLY bad–very dizzy and nauseas, and i let anxiety creep in. my heart raced all that night, most of the next day and night and i have just felt like crap since then!

im feeling less anxiety now, but its still there. i have to admit im pretty embarrassed to be writing this in my blog. im finding that my anxiety has been a real hidden, secret culprit of a lot of my physical “crappiness” (if i may word it that way LOL).

most people see me as a cheerful, bubbly, positive person–which i inherently am–but the anxiety is my weakness and i know i have to get it under control or it will damage my long-term health, happiness, and relationships!!

so as far as the surgery…it went well. i actually meet with my dr this wednesday for my post-op appointment and will get filled in on all the details, as he only gave my hubby limited info after the surgery.

i definitely have endometriosis, but im not sure how severe it is. since the day i found out i’d be having surgery, i have done a lot of reading about endo, its effects, treatments, and causes. (the best site i’ve found so far…check it out!) a lot of it is up in the air to scientists, so there’s no one set way for each woman to deal with this disease.

after my reading, thought and prayer, i have decided to take a holistic, natural approach before i take any prescription drugs–partly because no matter what the drug, there is NO cure. it only temporarily treats the problem, many times with really yucky side-effects.

the other part is because the changes i will need to make in my life and lifestyle to deal with the endometriosis will also benefit my whole health in general, and lead me toward the goals i already have set for myself.

to me, that seems the smartest–inexpensive, less coping with drug side-effects, and really all it can do is help and not hurt me. it really almost forces me to be committed to my health in a whole different way! i’m not sure how my dr will feel about it, but i cant really expect him to offer me a naturalistic option because he’s not that kind of doctor.

the only thing that will change my mind is if he has drastic information for me that i dont already know now. but i will find out wednesday and will go from there!

wellp, on a lighter note–my weight is down to 206!! im perty durned excited to be SO CLOSE to 200!! on top of that, im only 8lb away from my 10% inital weight loss goal. YAYYYYY!

im just getting so excited the spring is almost here, and i’ll be able to be outside more and get more active in general. even though i’ve had some ups and downs so far this year, i know that i am making progress! it takes a lot of falling down and getting back up to learn something and make it stick!

i feel i owe my yahoo group and my hubby much thanks for all the support and encouragement they give me. they have been much of what has pulled me up by my bootstraps those times i HAVE fallen! hehehe!!

oh one more thing…this week i’m reading in Isaiah. i came across this passage in chapter 40 which instantly put a tune in my head from a chorus we used to sing in college chapel.

to put it in context, Isaiah is writing to comfort the people of Israel as they are held captive. (actually he is prophesying the captivity, which makes it even cooler!) the whole chapter is great, but the following was what we put to song…

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

may you have a productive, happy, joyful monday!!

~josey~

a time for every purpose March 8, 2007

good morning!

since my last post, life’s been just a little better…and it’s only been a week! it’s amazing what a little focus on the RIGHT things every single day can do for one’s mood, spirit, and soul. let me back up a little.

in the last several months my anxiety levels have flown thru the roof (heart palpitations, elevated blood pressure, panic attacks, digestive distress, muscular pain…to name a few…)! finding out last fall that i had a cyst in my ovary, which was originally diagnosed as hemorrhagic and would go away, really set me to worrying about my health and weight.

(okay, strike #1, 2 AND 3–worrying takes away from solving the problem!!)

then a few months later i was still having pain, worse in fact, and as of last week the cyst is still there and has grown since last fall. well to make a long story short, there’s a possibility i have endometriosis. next week im having a diagnostic laparoscopy and they will be removing the cyst and looking for other spots of endo and will remove those, also.

well…in the midst of all the physical pain ive had and all the anxiety and worrying that there’s something MORE wrong with me, i’ve had a chance to reevaluate what is lacking in my life that has caused me to spiral out of control with worry.

of course that lack is in the area of my faith and trust in God. we all worry–its part of being human. but i’ve never felt so hopeless and afraid as i have lately.

and ya know, it started with freakin out about my health, but when you truly have no other source in which to “lay your burdens down,” that anxiety starts to spill into nearly every area of your life and you start worrying about EVERYthing! its crazy. i have been so illogical and think up all sorts of “what if” scenarios in my mind that have totally stressed me out.

i guess if you wanna miss out on all the GOOD things in life, that’s the way to go, eh? LOL!

so, when i came to this realization last week when i heard that song, i knew i needed to take some action to get things balanced in my life again. so, as part of some missions we are doing in my Yahoo group, this week i chose to focus on not letting “worry” hold me back. yep, im a nerd and i need to at least start out by going about this in an organized manner *LOL*

first, ive started reading my Bible each morning. that’s where i got the subject line for the post–ive been reading in Ecclesiastes and doing a study on it. you may know the late 60s song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the Byrds and that its words were adapted from a chapter in Ecclesiastes.

and without going into tons of detail, i really have been able to identify with the writer of this book, because his outlook on life (at one point in time) is that everything we do on this earth is meaningless–the wise as well as the foolish all face death in the end. so what’s the point?

well, its reminding me that there’s a time for everything in our lives, and how we choose to embrace each season makes us who we are and who we will be. God is there for us to put meaning into everything we do and every trial we face. if i cant handle something as minor as this in my life (for i know it could be a lot worse!!), how will i deal with tougher situations in the future?

we all want to look back on the book our lives one day and know that we grew from things that could have been huge stumbling blocks…to know that we have become wiser, more compassionate, and understanding through our adversities–not bitter, depressed, and lost.

of course we may not always choose the positive, but its knowing that we could have and perservering while moving forward is what matters! and most importantly of all, that we have pleased God in our choices and that He has been the center of our strength.

in addition to the Bible reading, i have been practicing some relaxing breathing exercises, exercising a LITTLE bit every day, getting outside more, and TRYING to fill my body with nutritious food (note the words “little” and “trying.” LOLOL ). i truly believe it is all adding up because my back pain is GONE, my blood pressure was normal at my dr appt yesterday, and i just feel much more positive all around. WOOHOO!!!

so ya know, i really feel like this cyst, possibly endometriosis, is really all a blessing in disguise.

yes, there’s a chance i may lose that ovary. yes, there’s a chance i wont even be able to have children. heck there’s even a small chance its not endo and the surgery will cure it once and for all. of course there’s always the possibility that its worse than id prefer, but worrying about that is futile. i’ll deal with that IF it arises at all.

i truly feel i have been blessed because now i know what i have been missing in my life, and what could have been something that squelched my spirit can now be a time in my life where i will feel peace and joy by letting God be in charge.

thanks for listening to all my rambling (:

take care and enjoy the day!!!

~josey~