reality tv and weight loss–revisited April 9, 2008

happy hump day! hehe

back at the end of december, after watching my first season ever of The Biggest Loser, i was very moved.

i wrote a post called reality tv and weight loss.  i urge you to read it if you havent!  it will help you see where i’m comin from in my blabblings of this post

this season’s run of TBL: Couples has sparred a lot of commentary across the blogosphere.  from annoyed fans complaining about the cheesey product endorsements to vehement put-downs about certain contestants, to frustrating and unfair excessive twists and turns in the game—there’s been a little bit of everything said about this season.

***WARNING!!  POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!!!***

after last night’s episode, we’re down to the final 4.  two men and two women, and btw, a woman has never won TBL.  i’m definitely routing for one of the women to win! =D

okay so…to get to my point of this post   even tho this was only my second season watching, it seemed to me in particular many of the contestants had break-throughs as far as life-defining and changing moments.  for me personally, THAT is what attracts me to this show. 

all the drama between contestants, or the oh-so-exciting ways to utilize Extra Sugar-Free Gum or the drill-sergeantry coming from the trainers isnt what makes me glued to the toob here. hehe.  

since 2008 has started, i myself have had a few life-defining moments with my health and weight loss.  and altho many people have complained about Mark (one of the contestants) and all his crying and blubbering—i have to cut the poor guy some slack because this year has also been the same for me!  

sure, there were points where i was just like, GEEZZZ dude, calm down!!!  especially when he and his brother, Jay, were separated a few times by eliminations.  his emotions ran so high and it was apparent he was just bubbling over with issues he’s stuffed down for a long time.  and obviously, he didnt cry constantly—it just appeared that way thanks to the editing team!

i cant imagine what it would be like to go through a drastic physical change like that in such a short amount of time.  people who are overweight harbor so many issues that are attached to every freakin single pound they’ve packed on.  i know this—i am one of them.  sometimes it takes months, even years, for us to figure out there’s a reason why those pounds are there, and it’s not just because we overeat or are lazy!

for every bite of food and drink of pop or alcohol we take that we physically dont need (and mentally we are reliant on that moment of pleasure)…and every joke we cackle about regarding how fat and jolly we are…there’s a stab of pain in our hearts and souls that’s a disappointment to who we’ve become…and a disillusionment to who we REALLY are.

over the years i’ve made buku excuses for so long to not take better care of myself.  it was so much easier to float through life, getting heavier and heavier, and having my family and friends see me as a woman who’s had a hard time and “you have to feel sorry for her. she’s had it rough.” 

yes, poor me.  POOR ME THAT i never mustered the strength to overcome it!  where have i been??!?  

i’ve sat around dooming myself to the same physical ailments and diseases that have slowly killed my family members or have taken away their quality of life.  i’ve sat around LITERALLY MINUTE-TO-MINUTE worrying about these things—all the while i’ve been statistically healthy, just overweight—and in the process of all that worrying i’ve developed panic attacks, nutritional deficiencies, a liver packed full of toxins from all my fast food fixes and nearly a whole other person’s worth of weight (and mental burden) attached to my short little body.

somehow doing all that to myself was easier than finding the time to exercise, putting to good use all my knowledge of nutrition and food, and practicing what i preach…

…or was it?

fortunately in the last year i’ve been inspired by countless people, events, books, tv shows and lifted up by my daily prayers.   

and in the last few months i’ve felt a shift—in my health, for the better, and emotionally.  it’s beenalongtimecomin, i tell ya!!  and it’s been the most challenging hill i’ve climbed in my life…and im still trekkin along…

after finishing my 10-day spring cleanse yesterday, i’ve come to a realization that i’m not the weakling i’ve pegged myself.  no, im not supergirl but i have determination.  i have perseverance.  i have strength that God gives me freely and i have a goal and purpose i want to share with others.

as people lose weight, different things happen.  some of them find a self-confidence and pride theyve been lacking—like Kelly.  some of them find that just simply learning how to eat to live and not live to eat has helped them the most—like Roger.  others find they have more inner strength than they ever imagined, and it results in a beautiful outer strength,too—like Ali.  and lastly, some have a total transformation inside AND out, and suddenly all the numbness dissipates and the flood-gates open—like Mark.

i’d have to say i identify most closely with Mark.  until recently i never knew i stuffed so much emotional crap down and hid it with my weight.  in fact, i honestly had NO CLUE.  i would always say, “i just have bad habits.  fast food tastes good so i eat it instead.  there’s nothing emotionally bothering me.  i’m just a little defeated because i cant be consistent.  my ankles hurt and i feel tired if i try to exercise.”  blahblahblah…

but now suddenly something changed in me.  sometimes when i’m working out, if i push myself extra hard—i feel my heart beating in my ears and pounding in my chest, i taste the sweat on my lips and feel my legs burn—I CRY.  yes, I CRY!!  it’s an overwhelming sense of pride in myself, but now i believe it is also literally a purging of a stuffed-down INCORRECT opinion ive had of my own character and will.

sometimes i’ll be talking to hubby about some of my mini-goals and how i’ve done a good job that day.  then i’ll just start crying!  i feel like such a doof ball, but i cant help it! (like that one time in yoga class…)  inside my head i’ve told myself so many times “you can’t do it. just forget it!”  so now, when i reach a small goal, it’s like the most comforting HUG…an affirmation that i’m NOT a loser.  that with a little extra effort—even for a few days—wonderful things can happen! 

and NO, that ISNT cheesey…it’s true…when you have become so deflated, so consumed by your own misery, even one little teenyweeny victory is something to celebrate.  it could just be that spark that fires you up! 

i am also finding myself thinking twice when i suddenly want junk food.  no, i wont always make the right choice.  but if i become PRESENT in that moment and stop myself from blindly eating, i can connect an emotional reason to that food choice.  and many times, that food is merely a sedative to something i’m not dealing with.

 oh, isnt it so sad that simply fueling our bodies has become so laden in complication??!?  i want to change.  i WILL!!

i want people to know that even if you WANT to lose 15lb or if you NEED to lose 300lb, it doesnt matter.  it all starts in the same place—your heart.  KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  dont be afraid to let changes happen in your life—you HAVE to be a little vulnerable and get out of your comfort zone.  you HAVE to take a chance!!  get yourself up!!  stop feeling sorry for yourself.  is this who you really are?   

STOP MAKING EXCUSES.  nothing will change until YOU DO SOMETHING!  if you’re unhappy, do something that makes you happy.  it’s as simple as that—it doesnt have to be this golden moment and light from heaven!  start with every day things…THINK ABOUT IT, use your intelligence!  it’s common sense.  we’ve been so numbed that we forget how to even think.  your happiness level may not rise as quickly as you’d prefer, but the more you try, the more momentum you’ll build.

and before you know it, you’ll feel the flood-gates open and slowly you will become unburdened by all those poor choices you made in the past.  you’ll actually realize it’s all happened for a reason.  and altho you’ll stumble and fall on the way, you’ll finally be living your life instead of sitting there, eating, doing nothing, being miserable inside, being uncertain of your future and watching the here and now all slip by for nothing.

LIVING YOUR LIFE.  moving, breathing, smiling, laughing, crying, praying, thanking. 

it’s worth it.  we deserve to be happy and healthy and no one is responsible for yourself but YOU.

~josey~ 

[ if you got this far reading, THANK YOU for sticking with my novel of a brain-dump!! (((hugs!!))) ]
 

heartaches March 25, 2008

march 25th, 2008.

dear diary,

i know i can tell you anything, even if i sound like an inarticulate baby.  so hear me out, okay? 

my heart hurts.  it hurts for one of the most special people in my life.  

i’m angry.  i’m empathetic.  i’m offended.  i’m guilty.

because i’m tired of being tossed to the side.

because i’ve been there before…but i’ve never gotten the chance to tell her in a loving way.

because i can’t believe she is doing what she is with no outward remorse.

because i’ve not been an active part of her life and been there when she’s needed it most and i haven’t asked God enough for his hand in her life.

the unfortunate part is that i’m not the only one.  in fact, there are more important people and feelings at stake.

when will this selfish fiasco stop??  when will the livid, angry begging of those around you be unveiled as the pleas for your love and attention that they are??  the fighting, the yelling, the namecalling, the suspicions, the misbehaving…they are all pleas…cant you see? 

no one wants to hurt her.  but no one knows how to tell her it’s okay to come back.  is she avoiding confronting her true unhappiness?  no one knows. maybe she doesnt even know.

are you lonely?  you know i’m here.  and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry i’ve let my own resentment get in the way of calling you.  it just hurts that your attention is always divided.  you know what i’m talking about.  i don’t think i ask for too much.  do you realize i’m not the only one who feels this way?  WHY do your own needs always come before everyone else’s?  yes, they do.  why do you scold me and say i make you feel badly?  maybe you should…

oh diary, i feel like such a selfish jerk!  but i dont know what to do anymore.  i’m tired of feeling angry and hurt.  i’ve been stuffing this down for a long, long time.  i want to tell her how i feel but i’m so afraid of losing her…

my intention isnt to hurt her, but to HELP her. i want to help her heal.  i want be a catalyst to help her get her life back. 

but i know this isnt really about me.  its about her.  i want her to be HAPPY and i dont care WHAT she says, she’s not.  everything in her life screams, “I’M MISERABLE!!!”  her health, her attitude, her home, her children, spouse…

so what do i do?  sit back and enable her?  let her rot her life and relationships away?  i want to go to her with my arms open wide and offer her my love, but she wont have it. 

we miss you.  even tho you are here, you are not.  please, think about what you are doing.  and dont laugh it off.  and dont get mad and defensive.  your guilt trips won’t work on me—i know you too well.   cant you just not be a martyr for once?  no one is blaming or condemning you.  we all have hard times.  we all need time to find our souls.  it’s okay, it really is.  but you’re looking in the wrong place!  listen to me, just cry on my shoulder, and you can start working through it all…it’s gonna be alright…   

 

 

DAMN life sucks.

heartaches hurt. 

we’ll get through this.  she’ll let down her ragged sail, won’t she?
 

no more excuses! March 17, 2008

happy monday

and st. patty’s day!  

welp, lately on my health journal i’ve been yappin about how i’m tryin to reach a certain weight loss goal.  (specifically, the ever-8freakinmonth-elusive 200lb mark!)  i have a lot of “reasons” (excuses?) why i havent fulfilled that goal and mainly they are health-related obstacles.  

but really, is that what has slowed me down the most?

probably not. (i hate being honest with myself. dangit!)

for some reason, the more i fail to succeed the more i blame it on something “out of my control.”  but honestly, how out of my control is healing my endometriosis/reducing pain and balancing my hormones?  hmm.  how out of my control is dealing with my foot/ankle issues so im not in pain all the time?  isnt that what my journey to better health is all about—taking control of those obstacles?

i also keep telling myself i need to be more kind and gentle to my psyche and stop beating myself up when i fall short because it ends up starting a vicious cycle.  and while that IS true, i also need to be brutally honest and ask myself—have i REALLY tried as hard as i could?  have i given it my all?  or have i put forth just a few weeks of consistency and then let the proverbial “cut off” time for my motivation take hold just so i can be lazy again?

i’m thinking the latter. :\

sparkpeople postlast week i read this post (left) on sparkpeople.  while it’s not a fancyschmancy speech, it cuts thru the crap and excuses.  it’s something i needed to hear at this juncture and i thought i’d share!  i decided to give you a screenshot of the post so that way if you decide you want to be part of sparkpeople, you can connect with the author if you’d like  

 

 

so wow, what did you think?  definitely some points that made smoke come out my ears. LOL.  at one time or another, every single one of these excuses is ME, whining. haha. (in addition to who knows how many more…) 

i dont think i even need to expand on her explanations.  i’m getting to the point where it’s simply cut and dry—either do it, or dont!  get healthier, or dont!  PERIOD.  i’m tired of swimming in excuses!

even if losing weight or improving your health isnt high on your priority list, what is?  and what excuses do you keep using that’re holding you back because it’s more comfortable there?  think…spiritual time, family time, time spent doing something helping others…

i hope this gave you something to chew on, too!

AND…what are you going to do about it? 

~josey~ 
 

secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

secret o’ life March 7, 2008

hello friends

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far?   hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

mind vs taste buds January 1, 2008

okay, its just past 8am on new year’s day.

*looks out the window across the street at the golden arches*  i want mcdonald’s for brekky.

where in the HECK did this notion (craving?) come from??!?! (ruh roh, must have been the snack wrap i had yesterday?!  those MSGs are workin me!)

i think something clicked in my fast-food deprived brain and said, “WAIT! today’s the day she’s really kicking in with the no wheat/gluten and eating healthy!  we cant let her ruin it for us…ATTACK!!” *LOL*

hubby’s still in bed and my tummy’s growling.  i’m really supposed to take a couple supplements and wait an hour to eat, but i’m not sure that’s going to happen.

now how come ive been SO GOOD for the last week and now all the sudden i wanna go and screw it all up?  *CRIES*  GAK!!! i hate days like this!  it’s a horrible mind vs taste buds battle!! 

so what will i do—let myself eat what i want today and start tomorrow?  not beat myself up and just chalk up the loss?

or will i stick to my guns and fight through the craving?   

see, this is always my problem.  this is the beginning of a BAD cycle that’s hard to stop.  i think its more mental than physiological…it’s my perfectionistic against my “all in moderation” alter ego.

neither one usually wins.  i usually go WAY off the deep end and be a total glutton!

why today?  i know i’ll just feel like crap, but that never stops me.  why am i possessed like this? ROTFL!  am i the only one in the world who is so obsessed about these things??  

dangit i try so hard but my will is so fragile  

somebody come save me!!!

to be continued…

(in my health journal later today!) 

mind vs taste buds January 1, 2008

okay, its just past 8am on new year’s day.

*looks out the window across the street at the golden arches*  i want mcdonald’s for brekky.

where in the HECK did this notion (craving?) come from??!?! (ruh roh, must have been the snack wrap i had yesterday?!  those MSGs are workin me!)

i think something clicked in my fast-food deprived brain and said, “WAIT! today’s the day she’s really kicking in with the no wheat/gluten and eating healthy!  we cant let her ruin it for us…ATTACK!!” *LOL*

hubby’s still in bed and my tummy’s growling.  i’m really supposed to take a couple supplements and wait an hour to eat, but i’m not sure that’s going to happen.

now how come ive been SO GOOD for the last week and now all the sudden i wanna go and screw it all up?  *CRIES*  GAK!!! i hate days like this!  it’s a horrible mind vs taste buds battle!! 

so what will i do—let myself eat what i want today and start tomorrow?  not beat myself up and just chalk up the loss?

or will i stick to my guns and fight through the craving?   

see, this is always my problem.  this is the beginning of a BAD cycle that’s hard to stop.  i think its more mental than physiological…it’s my perfectionistic against my “all in moderation” alter ego.

neither one usually wins.  i usually go WAY off the deep end and be a total glutton!

why today?  i know i’ll just feel like crap, but that never stops me.  why am i possessed like this? ROTFL!  am i the only one in the world who is so obsessed about these things??  

dangit i try so hard but my will is so fragile  

somebody come save me!!!

to be continued…

(in my health journal later today!) 

reality tv and weight loss December 27, 2007

hey there! =D

last week i watched the (tivo’d) finale of the biggest loser.  this was my first season watching; im not much of a tv gal, really.  i just have a few reality shows i watch, scattered throughout the year as they come on (survivor, the amazing race, american idol, so ya think you can dance, hell’s kitchen, and america’s next top model).

anyhoo!  sorry bout the mini-tangent. haha.

let’s put aside the fact this show was edited for tv and all that jazz.  there’s something that attracts me to TBL in particular—people’s lives are actually changed FOR THE BETTER by participating in the crazy realm of reality tv!

it was totally amazing to see how nearly all of the contestants—especially the top 4—changed so drastically!  a few of them even lost 50% of their original body weight!!  can you imagine?!  HALF of yourself—gone!

i think what inspired me and impressed on my heart the most was their determination and perseverance.  yes—they wanted to win; but more than anything, they wanted to improve their lives and prove to themselves they could do this, and that they WERE WORTH IT.

emotionally and physically, i understand what many of these people went through.   there wasnt an episode i didnt cry once or more because i felt so sorry for someone, or identified so closely. maybe im a cheesey chump for getting so sentimental about a dumb tv show that a network uses just to make money.  so, call me a sappybutt!  i dont care! LOL.

i think i also cried because sometimes i felt sorry for myself/guilty for not working harder toward my goals.  i saw them succeed under pretty extreme circumstances and i was so proud!  i KNOW how hard it is to fight past the mental and physical burdens of why you’re fat—anyone who’s ever been overweight knows what i mean.

now if you’re sitting there reading this and STILL thinking im a total idiot for being suckered into this show emotionally, then maybe you’re missing my point!  

for those of us who struggle with our weight and all the baggage that comes with it, its a light in the darkness to see others come so far. 

we celebrate with them and cheer them on!  it boosts our own morale.  it renews our hope when we are mentally exhausted.

we identify with the human condition and begin to realize we have the same strength and motivation as these people, who come from the same walks of life.  it’s easy to forget we have reserves we haven’t yet tapped into.

no, i dont worship reality tv   but watching this season of TBL gave me a boost of optimism for my own situation.  it’s been tough (understatement!) losing weight this year with my endometriosis and the pain and hormonal fluctuations its brought with it.  but i’m getting better, slowly. 

i just cant give up! 

i want to prove to myself i can do this. 

this whole “health” goal of mine is so much more than losing weight.  it’s shedding layers and layers of emotional cruddy build-up.  feeding my self-esteem.  giving worth to my character, my core—pushing myself to persevere and emerge as stronger and more confident.  i want to use these positive things to help other people. 

but first, i have to tend to my own wounds and issues.  2007 started that and now im onna roll    

i am VERYVERY excitedly looking forward to 2008 as being the year i blossom into a more balanced, kind and healthy person.  and not just in how i react and give back to the world around me, but how i treat and care for my own mind, body and spirit.

(more on all this soon! weeeeeeeee!) 

~jos~ 

the evolution of (me and) my blog December 14, 2007

hey, folks!

back at the beginning of december, tish over at the kat house did this really cool meme that chronicled the “evolution” of her blog by choosing 5 of her landmark archived posts.

i commented on her post, but being the doober i am, i wasnt paying attention and put my comment on the wrong post. LOL!!

but, being the nice gal she is, she replied back anyhoo and suggested i do the meme when i gotta chance!  well, now i have the chance…so, here goes! (oh and btw, they arent in perfect chronological order, but i think you’ll still get the point! LOL.)

i started blogging in december 2005 on Yahoo 360.  blogging, for me, was (is!) basically a replacement for a hand-written journal.  i’ve been on a quest to lose weight and get healthy for ohhh about 7 years now…so it was obvious that would be the thing i’d yap about most.  my very first blog post EVER was a great start to the end of the year!. 

that was basically my introduction.  and i’m not gonna count it toward the 5 posts im supposed to feature in this meme. HEHE!   even to this day, i dont think i could ever change a word of it and say it any better!

having my blog on the big Y kinda kept me sheltered from the REAL blogosphere (at least in my opinion)—i wasnt aware of all the commenting, the memes, and all the fun stuff that really gets your name out there.  i just wrote when i felt like it and “closed the book” and hid it back in my drawer when i was done. hehe!

i really didnt start semi-seriously blogging again until january of 2007!

i’m guessing most of my readers dont really know that im completely and totally obsessed-submersed-bookwormed into learning about and applying holistic nutrition and health stuff into my life. 

the reason why i’ve dove in head first into this stuff is because in march of this year (2007), after a diagnostic laparoscopy, i found out i have endometriosis. <—-btw, that’s my fave endometriosis site. hands down.

in fact, IRL, healing my endo (aka endometriosis) through proper nutrition is what i talk about, think about and read about a lot.  i mean LOTS a lot.   . o O (hmmm, probably why i dont have any good friends. LOL.)  especially because i believe the things i’ve learned can be applied in a myriad of ways to everyone. (yep, even men!)

i wrote time to heal the week after my laparoscopy.  i dont think i really revealed how scared i was about having endo and how big of a step it was to take a greater responsibility in my own healing by not choosing the typical path of treatment through my doctor.  but, there was just something in my gut that said—YOU have to do this.  you CAN do this.  your body WANTS to heal; you just have to give it what it needs.

the gears in my brain started churning and i knew my diet was due for an overhaul at this point.  i then found and read a book called Endometriosis: A Key to Healing through Nutrition.  this got me thinking quite a bit about what i eat and how it effects my body on a cellular level. *totally nerdy pose*

at this point, i couldnt get enough info—i was (and AM!) a total sponge!  i just kept reading and reading…about food…our bodies…about amazing things i’d never thought about before. 

after reading books like Real Food: What to Eat and Why and Nourishing Traditions i felt moved to write pass me the olden days, please…probably the most telling post i’ve written thus far about how i feel about nutrition, health and the industrialization of our world. 

then i revealed a little more, embarrassingly, in crying over chocolate cake.  this was a time, in the midst of coping with the drastic hormonal shifts, i asked myself “am i doing the right thing?” and “how much more of this can i handle?”… in addition with grappling with the fact that i may never have biological children of my own, which especially bothers me on those most hormonal days.   this post was a recount of one of many times i’d have days like this—days where i swore i was losing it.   days when it didnt seem fair that i had to have this disease and i let it get the best of me.

this year i’ve had a lot of doubts, but also a lot of revelations.  what’s the real reason is my reassessment of why and how i’ve come to be where i am this year…in my health, my emotions, my goals.  it felt good to admit all my grossly gluttonous habits…most of which i am thankfully tackling full-force   it also feels good to look at my life by taking a step back…and truly realize where i’ve screwed up, then use that knowledge to turn it into something positive!

and finally, something that’s become quite apparent to me after all the physical and emotional pain, desperate pleadings to God, confusion and feeling alone…after all the things ive read and studied to educate myself so i can take responsibilty for my health, THIS is what it all boils down to for me:  nutrition + emotions = health. (and tho i failed to mention it—for me, spirituality is the foundation of that equation!!  that post would have been pages and pages longer had i included that aspect.  i venture to guess one of these days it will all come out. )

maybe most of the stuff in that last post seems a little new-agey, or far-fetched or like im getting scammed over.  but until you go through a time in your life when nothing else makes sense…when something comes along that clicks in your gut and you just know…then, well, you know…you JUST KNOW you have stumbled upon something that can—AND WILL—change your life.

and if you share it, it might change someone else’s, too. 

and this, my friends, is the evolution…of me. (through my blog.)

i’m very, very grateful you stopped by